Tuesday, 17 May 2011

* The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers (William Shakespeare, King Henry VI)

There are all kinds of morons in this world: estate agents, cheesy sales people, Piers Morgan, overconfident teenagers and people who like pop-punk but none of them quite reach the high levels of wankerness as lawyers do.

I work in the legal profession and the amount of idiots I have to deal with is staggering. There are five types of lawyers:

The trainee lawyer: One word - clueless. It’s slightly worrying when a lawyer asks me basic questions on basic procedures. Did you get your degree in a cereal box? If you were a racehorse they would have shot you by now.

The banterless lawyer: You know the old cliché that all lawyers are boring? Well it’s true. God knows how many of my precious comedy gems I’ve wasted on boring lawyers.  You will have better luck with beating a confession out of Jack Bauer than squeezing a witty repartee out of a lawyer.

The money-grabbing dickhead lawyer: Self-explanatory really. Die, die, die!

The confused lawyer: You’d assume the ability of being on top of things is a prerequisite for becoming a lawyer? Well you assumed wrong. It once took me a week to get something very straightforward organised and the lawyer in question later apologised for being dopey. If you’re a self-confessed half-wit at least be smart enough to hire an assistant who can think for you.

The occasional nice lawyer: Most of them are women to be honest. I guess being a woman in this profession has it’s cons. In order to survive you have to be twice as on the ball as men and therefore women are more socially aware.

*This blog post is meant to be a warning to people who have half a brain and are considering becoming an assistant/PA/secretary in the Legal world. My advice is: RUN! Before the bastards get you and completely kill your creativeness and spark. 

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